Be a mensch: Morris Township barista-turned-author shares secrets for pandemic kindness

Elisa Udaskin, author of 'Be a Mensch,' December 2020. Photo by Lenny Dominguez.
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Editor’s note: Morris Township resident Elisa Udaskin may be best known as a barista at the Starbucks in Cedar Knolls. But in between Americanos and Cappuccinos, the former marketing director has been compiling life lessons for her newly released book: Be A Mensch: Unleash Your Power to Be Kind and Help Others.

Here, Udaskin shares tips on mensching with Melissa Spiotta, founder of the Morristown Helps and I Love Morristown Facebook groups, co-founder of FLAG of Morristown/Township, and member of the Morris School District board of education.

Melissa Spiotta: Elisa, thanks so much for talking with me today. I really loved your book. In my opinion, the timing  couldn’t be been better. There are a lot of people in our country that are really struggling and we need more mensches.  

So for everyone who doesn’t know, can you explain what a mensch is?

Elisa Udaskin: A mensch is a good, honorable person. It is a word with German and Yiddish origins and basically conveys a decent person, someone who is kind and helps others.

Melissa: In your mind, what truly makes a mensch?

Elisa: I believe that most people are mensches, and most people do mensch-like things. But sometimes we have our “putz” moments. It’s a choice, really. In the book, I talk a lot about everyday interactions that have happened to me, how I reacted at the time and how I wish I had reacted if I’d had my mensch hat on.

Road rage is one example. I mean, how many times have you been cut off by another driver and your immediate reaction is to get angry and shout at them? Rationally, we know that we’re still going to get where we’re going. So why does it bother us so much?

What if we all just took a deep breath, had a bit of patience and realized that maybe that driver is going through a hard time, or rushing to get somewhere because of an emergency? Being a mensch means making a conscious choice to do that, to take that breath, have more patience, more often than not.

Melissa: How can we become a kinder, more mensch-like society?

Elisa: I really think it’s through actions and behaviors.

When I was doing research for my book, I sent out surveys to people to try to understand the motivation behind reaching out to help – or not reaching out – when someone is going through a difficult time, or when there is a death in the family.

‘Be a Mensch,’ by Elisa Udaskin

I wanted to understand how people saw their own limitations in these situations. So many people who had lost a parent answered that it was only after they went through it themselves, that they realized what they need to do for others.

I also think many people hesitate to reach out because they are afraid of offending or overstepping at a delicate time. What if they do the wrong thing? But the truth is, you can’t do the wrong thing if you are genuine and want to help.

What is the worst thing that can happen if you send a meal to an acquaintance or neighbor who is going through a tough time? The best thing is that they’ll feel loved. I personally feel so guilty about all of the times I had good intentions but didn’t follow through on them. I still have it with me that I wish I had done more. We’re all human and I know now that it’s okay to feel that way, as long as next time, I make an effort to do things right.

Melissa: Many of the stories you share in your book Be A Mensch: Unleash Your Power to Be Kind and Help Others take place in Morristown. Tell us about how Morristown inspired you.

Elisa: Yes, I share many stories of people helping others that take place right here in Morristown. I was and continue to be so inspired by all the wonderful grassroots groups that were organized when COVID hit, and how our community banded together to support both our frontline workers and local restaurants.

The Morristown Stimulus Plan and Morristown Helps Facebook groups are two groups that really helped to identify tangible ways that people could contribute and support. Many of us didn’t know what we could do, and these groups were invaluable in helping to direct locals to give in many ways.

Melissa: Tell us a bit about your journey to becoming an author. Was this the career you always knew you wanted? 

Elisa: I was a marketer in the corporate world for close to 20 years. I worked in global marketing, living and traveling all over the world and always had a very direct linear path for my career. It shifted a few years ago when I left that world and had the fortune of time to think about what I wanted to do with “Chapter Two” of my career as I called it. I knew I wanted to do something to help people.

When my father-in-law passed away I observed how so many people reached out to comfort our family, while some didn’t know what to do. Their intentions were there – they were just “stuck.”

That’s when I came up with the idea to develop my website www.caringorganizer.com which inspires people to help others with tangible ideas and tools, including meal organizers to set up a schedule of sending in meals for the mourning family or the family of someone who is seriously ill.

Throughout developing Caring Organizer, I spoke to many many people listening to their stories of when they were the recipient of love and support as well as when they offered that support themselves. Themes began to emerge on why people sometimes hesitate to reach out.

At the same time I had these stories running through my head of times when I saw people do really great things for others – my own kids, people I worked with and even strangers. I decided to start putting these stories down on “paper” (my laptop really) and they just poured out. I realized that I loved to tell stories and loved to write! Who knew?

And that’s how my book Be A Mensch: Unleash Your Power to Be Kind and Help Others came to be. It’s full of stories, often funny ones that took place in my own family growing up with a mother who always pushed us outside our comfort zone to do good things for others.

Melissa: As we continue to face COVID restrictions, what are things people can do for others while being safe and mindful of social distancing?

Elisa: There are so many things we can do to help others and still be safe and kind to ourselves. Support local businesses and donate to local fundraisers to support our community.

We are all struggling right now and many of us are feeling much more stressed than we would in normal times. I started writing the book before COVID, but I finished writing it in those first few months after it all began.

What I realized in that process is that it is even more important now than ever, to reach out to people who are isolated during this pandemic. We all live in our bubbles at the best of times, well now our bubbles are much smaller.

It is so crucial right now to let people know that you care about them, and it doesn’t have to be in person. My whole message of the book is that we have to get away from thinking that everything needs to be a grand, heroic gesture. Sometimes a phone call or a text can make someone’s day and make them feel less alone. Just, “Hi, how are you?” or “I’m thinking about you” can make all the difference.

Melissa: What exciting projects do you have coming up? 

Elisa: I am starting to do Zoom speaking engagements – with book clubs, community organizations, schools and synagogues and churches. I want to help inspire people to get over their hesitations to reach out to help others – not to let the voice in their head hold them back from any fears and just do it! It’s hard, and we all need a little bit more of inspiration, especially in these times when we are feeling so isolated. People can reach out to me to learn more.

Melissa: Elisa, it was so great talking to you.  I don’t know if I ever got to thank you in person for the coffee you brought to the hospital during Wave 1 of the pandemic.  Lots of people offered assistance to our medical heroes but you and I both know that people love their coffee. It was very much appreciated. Thanks for being a mensch. 

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