‘Celebrity Autobiography’ in Morristown: Words jump off the page, then leap from the stage…can you blame them?

If, for any reason, you ever contemplate writing your life story, go see  Celebrity Autobiography  first.

A bevy of stars almost certainly would have said “no thanks” to their hefty book advances had they suspected their purple prose would be recited verbatim from the stage, as it was Thursday at Morristown’s Mayo Performing Arts Center by Carol Kane, Ralph Macchio, Eugene Pack, Dayle Reyfel, Sherri Shepherd, Alan Zweibel and the riotously funny Mario Cantone (Sex and the City).

Ah, but think how deprived the world would be without such towering literary works.

We might never have known about Warren Beatty’s comforting words to Melissa Gilbert after Rob Lowe canoodled with Nastassja Kinski.

Or about Carol Channing’s dyspeptic feelings for Barbra Streisand.

Neil Sedaka’s endorsement of leafy green vegetables would be lost to the ages. Ditto for David Hasselhoff’s Broadway debut as Jekyll and Hyde. And Ricky Martin’s transformation from Ricky to KiKi.

Fortunately, it’s all there, on library shelves everywhere, from the requited loves of Liz and Dick to the unrequited passion of Liza and Geraldo.

In their own words.

It’s enough to make a ghostwriter turn over in his grave. No doubt, quite a few of them are, thanks to Celebrity Autobiography, which celebrates the banality of American pop culture in all its fatuous glory.

Created by Eugene Pack and Dayle Reyfel, the award-winning show has toured with assorted casts and victims in New York, Los Angeles, Edinburgh, London and Sydney.

At first, the notion of watching a handful of comics read aloud for two hours seemed like a cure for insomnia. After a few pages, however, the Mayo reverberated like a laugh track recording session. A row of ladies behind me shrieked so uncontrollably during an excerpt of Tiger Woods’ How I Play Golf  –a pre-scandal tome replete with florid putter imagery– that I pondered dialing 911 before any blood vessels burst.

For any story, the devil is in the details. And it takes devilish delivery to tease them out for maximum comedic impact. Carol Kane, who starred on Broadway in Wicked, did a wicked sendup of Carol Channing.  The Karate Kid, Ralph Macchio, chopped Baywatch star David Hasselhoff down to size with deadpan precision.

Sherri Shepherd (The View) had fun with Cher’s favorite fruits, while Alan Zweibel (whose writing credits include Saturday Night Live and Mad magazine), Pack and Reyfel got laughs juxtaposing nuggets from assorted autobiographies during mashups that were highlights of the evening.

Yet they all could have called in sick, as long as Mario Cantone was in the house.  In a pinch, this guy could do Celebrity Autobiography by himself.  As it was, he spoofed Arnold Schwarzenegger, Susan Lucci, Liza Minelli and Barbra Streisand with campy gusto.

Oh, what the heck. Write your autobiography.

Just make sure the advance is really big.